Ugh. I'm growing tired of personal issues getting in the way.

 Over the past several months, as I've been housed in an Interim Housing Program hotel shelter, for homeless people, I've started to finally make some ground over some chronic, nagging issues that have been getting in the way of my better day for myself. For example, last year, I punched a thick wood wall panel, at a baseball dugout, essentially, over some disturbance that was playing out in my mind, and getting the best of me. I punched the board hard enough to break bone, (since the board, itself, didn't break, from me hitting it), yet my bones didn't break, even though it would have otherwise incurred a boxer's fracture, from my sloppy technique, having hit the board out of frustration, confidently, as it were, since I have steel plates in my hand, surgically implanted, dating back to another boxer's fracture, back around 2005-2006, or so. It was pretty debilitating. I had a hard time shaking people's hand, as a business person (I had to shake people's hands all the time, and I'd preferred not to have to explain the injury). 

This being the backdrop to my current situation, in that I'm certain that I incurred the same degree of injury (equivalent to broken bones), yet, latently present, in my structural formation of my body, in the facets of the supportive bones and joints that correspond with the punch to the wooden panel. I know, it seems silly, but it's difficult to empathize, or relate to a schizophrenic, I figure. I've been there, before, as a schizophrenia-naive person, to a sufferer-partner figure, who had schizophrenia, before my own real onset of schizophrenia, for myself. 

The voices had gotten to me, in other words. I was out on the street, and voices in my head were giving me a hard time, and I ended up I juring myself. It's taken a long time for me to see some positive results in recovery, but I sometimes spend entire days, out of a week, laying in bed, wondering, somewhat, why I feel like I have no energy. Since I'm always trying to quit using substances to prop me up, in life, it's somewhat a blind spot, and I found myself, recently, both denying that the substances "do" anything, at all - they do "do" something;" it's just that I had quit, temporarily, and I fell in to denial. That was the first signal to note, the other one was that, since they still "do" work, I stopped feeling like quitting, as much. It's a performance-basis sort of dependency. 

This sort of confusion is the primary reason I don't favor, or support, the "drugging" of the flocks, in order to train and tame them. I want their basis to be secure and wholesome, in simply arising from being fed well, and for being interacted with, in a considerate and paced, patient manner. I don't want the birds to become confused, as to what our purpose is, together, and hopefully others won't come along and ruin the birds' progress, as they're doing well, lately.

So, I go through these ongoing bouts of loss of ego, and denial, amidst hearing voices, although it's not as capable in persecuting me, as it had been, when I was out on the streets. It hasn't been a year, yet, since I've been housed again, but I've made good progress: my room looks impressive, for example, for a homeless person, I'd say. I finally just got back on my own unlimited Internet connection, and I'll be operating as best that I might, within a couple of weeks, or so, with a new iPad Pro in my hands, within sight, over the next few days - I've laid the groundwork for it. I go on, about my work week, trying to keep up with feeding the birds, as my daily benchmark of success, and I still have these days where I lay in bed all day, perhaps once or twice a week. It feels very physically strenuous; it probably is, considerably, somewhat strenuous, and I gauge, in my smart watches, that I track anywhere from 4 ½ miles per day, up to 11-13 miles, sometimes - just going around, feeding the pigeons and other birds (sparrows, is all, this time of year), and I also have to expend walking energy going out to buy groceries. It's pretty simple fare, and mundane, but I've worked out a fair rhythm and flow to my days. Sometimes it's the noises around me - the "certain" noises, that I can pinpoint to an actual person, or generalized location, nearby me; that is, to say, that these are "actual" noisy events around me, not voices in my head - these noises are a common disturbance for me, because of the volume. 

Anyways, I try to make my day work out, and I try to keep things working for the pigeons' best interests; i.e. keeping them fed, regularly, so that they can be trained, or trainable. They've made good progress, lately, as the library pigeons now customarily eat out of my hand, on a daily basis, as well as that they'll accept a stranger's hand, in hand-feeding them. It's a good sign; it's taken 7 years of upkeep in feeding the birds to get them to this point, in serendipity - either the birds were just ingrained-frightened of having affections for humans, meaning that they had no supportive nurturing environment to have them learn to accept humans as their caretakers, fully, perhaps due to neglect, or abuse - this type of learned behavior is difficult to alter; I find that it's best just to perform upkeep, at this stage, yet, some of the library birds' newcomers were a younger generation, which had not seen as much abuse, as had been going on, in previous years, so, some of them accept hand-feeding, and these ones sometimes seem to prefer the human element, in some part of their feeding time, for their day.

The pigeons at the DTLA Central Library enjoy some spoon-fed cheesecake.

I figure that it's a good sign, for certain; that these birds are learning new and dynamic behaviors that replicate on to the "strangers" figures, as I'd brought a companion along, on two occasions, so far, in which the birds are out of my companion's hand. It makes me ponder the possibility of the birds finally making it, in to becoming a transformational force, in the city; a force of healing recreation for people to enjoy. That potential is what keeps me going, on the days where I feel like I can't get up, keeping up the feeding of the birds, for the birds' sake, so that they don't unlearn these behaviors. Each flock has its own potential, in training, imaginably, and other flocks, such as Pershing Square, and the Figueroa at 4th St. underpass flock both also now recognize me, and they fly up to greet me, upon arrival, customarily, fairly regularly. It's a sign that they're learning, on top of having positive experiences imprinted upon them, as individual pigeons, in a flock; thus, they influence the flock's behavior, over time, as a whole. It's a decent and wholesome psychological foray; these birds, I figure - something that inspires critical thinking and psychologically-correlative thinking, in a "well" setting that's publicly accessible. 

Over time, I learn more about the pigeons, and they take me in, as one of the familiar insiders, as though I'm "one of them." 

An open-ended apology, for recent personal shortcomings.

 Being that I run a .institute, there are certain expectations and responsibilities to uphold an ethical purpose, in the course of my doings and daily life, much of which is intermingled work and personal life setting and environment. I’m expected to behave responsibly, and not mar the public-facing image and reputation of the company, which is led by myself, and, as such, it ought to stand on its own. 

Recently, I had a counter-intelligence tactical ruse set upon me, and I became caught up in the moment, and somewhat subject to entertaining uncommon and unbecoming temptations. All things being said, some people like to exert power over others, and witness the outcomes of having influenced somebody into foolishness. This was the sort of circumstance I found myself in, and fortunately, it ended up just being a cold night out, for myself, and a homeless person’s day, out on a lawn, somewhere in West Hollywood. It could have been worse. 

I’m asking, in essence, for a less stimulating set of expectations and circumstance for myself, as I’m largely on the brink of absolute poverty of various sorts. Sure, perhaps I do well, at joking around, at times, but I do fall victim to certain types of shortcomings, but all in all, I’m fairly astute and well-intentioned in many of the things that I do; I wouldn’t do better to pursue some sort of personal identity boost and prominence of fame over virtue, in other words - I’m a good working-class man, not a public figure, per se. I can’t reasonably fulfill all expectations of myself, and keep on with a proper personal conscience and a respectable reputation, if I indulge in pleasing some people’s intentions and influences upon myself. Some of these things cause contention, and being that some of these things are superficial desires, there’s oftentimes little care, as to the outcome of what pleases people’s momentary fascinations and interests. 

Let’s be spirited about the greater picture in life that we have, as Americans, and Build Back Better, as our nation’s leader would have us do, and not joke around so much. There’s work to be done. Not everything that comes to pass deserves being commemorated, but please try to uphold an honorable reputation and influence over others that is considerate of the common good and need in society.

A practical, real-world corollary to my previous post, on the MKULTRA program. (Update)

In this cutting edge and (as-of-yet) still largely ill-understood context of mind control

and of relevant government and intelligence agency programs and implementations of such, thereof, my previous post seemed to have foreshadowed some requisition and atonement, for that the context of mind control, and its subjects, being myself, and some of those amongst me, having become a needed issue to have been attended to; to my appreciation, what had been a developing and complicated issue, in the context of the subject (my [group home] neighbor): Omar Andrade having, of recent weeks, become a commonplace and recurrent sleepless madman, he thence had, just yesterday, become subject to his more primitivistic, subconscious, and limbic-minded self, in presenting himself as an individual who had lost control of his inhibitions and rational awareness in life, as a relentlessly outspoken and violently hostile and aggressively-willing mind control aberration. 

It was the first thing in the morning; as for myself, not the most astute time in life to wake up and start the day; it was perhaps 9 a.m., or so. I had, in my youth, more commonly had been accustomed to waking up earlier to start my day; yet I would offer that I’m constantly subject to victimizations, of a mental health disparagement, and, as such, I simply have shortcomings about my life, to attest to, and for that matter, I, in turn, am given license and disclosure as to who displays a lack of social and emotional intelligence, in my proximity, in life, for claims (which seem common) of that such shortcomings and presentations of myself “don’t matter,” or come to be disregarded, being that these are complex issues, obviously, to discuss and intelligibly manage. It’s simply what I had been accustomed to encountering, in making my case known to what establishment and personnel are afforded to me, being that I am a mental health services and benefits recipient, in terms of government programs that were offered to me; as such, and rather, though, as these benefits, such as housing and case management, are received - at this point in time, not all of the mental health service establishments - such as housing, in particular, have sufficiently professionally-licensed and appropriate personnel providing the fulfillments of the mental health program: here, in Los Angeles County, under the LACDMH (Department of Mental Health) program known as Full Service Partnership, in which housing, case management, medication, and perhaps some therapy and psychological (or, at least, psychiatric) behavioral services are provided for individuals. In its fulfillment, as for myself, I do receive these basic services, although mental health abuses are still murky territory, in the criminal justice system, as for who, or how, or even that: mental health abuses are properly addressed - that Omar Andrade, for one, had been a developing and ongoing mind-control aberration, most ostensibly, was an issue that was seen to have been “negligible” in needs-to-be addressed [sorts of] priorities, as far as people I could, and did, reach out to, as far as seeking support in attending to this (acute) crisis, that it had come to - yesterday morning (Wednesday, January 2022), that it was.

Omar Andrade had, for weeks leading up to this acute psychiatric emergency, in which he displayed Axis-1 symptoms of psychotic disorder, consequent to substance use disorder; also having displayed a lack of interest in eating, at proper meal times (eating disorder), and of that his behavior was commonly, and increasingly unstable and hostile towards others, sometimes of an unseen nature, of which I would discern to be the mind-control program’s evidenced presence in his mind, whereas he was a difficult individual to reach, due to an Axis-II sort of behavioral disorder portrayal of himself, in (as far as my own attempts to reach him); his incapability in, or refusal to: show a common courtesy to his housemates, and a lack of empathy and intelligence about displaying any sort of rational regard to a person’s sense of dignity and perhaps superiority over himself, that may be the case, in various instances, whereas he would portray a somewhat playful courtesy to someone in an already established position of authority, such as the house manager; whereas, in this acute crisis incident, of yesterday morning, he was physically aggressive and overtly violent to “simply anyone,” including the group home’s manager - it seemed to, upon deeper psychological analysis, of what was visually ostensible, and, of a critical analysis sort of mind about discerning what the nature of the problem could be - it would be surmised, and asserted, I’d suppose of myself, of that he had simply stayed awake, for too many days and nights, on end, of an ongoing, unsustainable, irrational, and, as had developed, increasingly paranoid and hostile nature towards others - in this instance, of a completely baseless premise, in exerting his hostility towards all people he faced, in the home; this being at around 9 a.m. in the morning, and whereas he was blocking access to and from people’s rooms and accommodations of the household, such as the bathroom, with his violently hostile presentation of himself being the overtly irrational and subconsciously troubled mind, having become a criminal or psychiatric issue, for the police to have attended to. 

There was a great degree of administrative caution in approaching Omar, given that he was barricaded in the restroom when the police showed up, and initially, the house manager disregarded and downplayed my appeals to her, for assistance, the case being as that it was early (somewhat) in the morning, and that commonplace disparagements and a rueful disregard of etiquette and propriety is the characteristic and peculiar, as well as particular mode of conduct about herself (the house manager), whereas I “know better,” and expect better, but this occurrence being of somewhat irrelevant nature, given that the issue was resolved to my appreciation, and that she (the house manager) was generally irrelevant to the acute crisis occurrence that had developed, in the subject’s mind, of some sort of responsibility and irrationality that was the subject’s own willful and willing volition and capability to had established, in his own mind. Comparatively, I’m commonly misled, offered suggestions, and lobbed what would amount to a paranoid and suspicious mind, of others in my common proximity, and these experiences do, in truth, come at a challenging cost of a need to expend a great deal of critical and analytical thought, as well as that a disciplined and thorough self-examination of circumstances and accountability are required of a subject such as myself, as common as Omar Andrade could be, as far as substance use is concerned, whereas the perpetrator commonly and repeatedly displayed a lesser accountability and cares towards composure and restraint, given our needs fulfillment common space and placement in life, given that we were both occupants of the same living space. What had taken place in his mind, such that he found fault in others, to the extent that he decided, of at least his wakeful and present self, that morning, there in the hallway? I have some intimations, and summations, of what had been heard of him, leading up to this occurrence, of that he was culturally overtly proud, and needful, it would seem, of presenting himself as an outspoken individual, whereas, in other instances, he was unstable in his overall persona and present self, being “sometimes” superficially courteous, and, at other times, it would have seemed as though he had courted a happenstance, arbitrary, and chaotic - inconsiderate and semiotically cruel and condescending self, perhaps of a symbolic nature, of an evidently “simply present” will and volition of that he would decide to treat me, and, on this occasion, practically anyone present, with hostility, and so - he got arrested.

The MKULTRA program’s purpose and place in society, at this stage, day, and age.

5 years of abuse, to wipe the slate clean, then comes discipline and composure, after common-law acquaintanceship and exposure to appropriate cultural and social graces.

Given that it’s largely touted to be a CIA program, here in America, it would presumably be a implementation of an internationally-well regarded standard and expectation upon the public, given distributed means of organic growth and dissemination. That being said, it is an attainment in military and civilian intelligence that spans the work of at least several various nations, with Great Britain and Russia also widely regarded as contributors to establishing standards and protocols upon such contexts of intelligence work, having established much, at the time, in terms of psychological and social sciences, in complement to the extents that the MKULTRA program covers.

These things go largely ill-desseminated, on account of the degree of personal responsibility in willfully outing such demonstrations of an abusive nature, that the program ostensibly covers, in the spirit of correcting subversive and ill-maintained nurturing environments that wind up contributing to the prevalence and presence of the schizotypal psychological anomaly in subjects, whereas the work needs to be done, in society; ostensibly it offends the progression of neglectful and irresponsible personas in proliferation and in positive expression of such psychological unwellness. For having made gains in acquiring and disseminating scientific purpose and placement, in society, enough for one’s own degree of responsibility, given reasonable extents of personal fault and shortcoming that the case may have been, perhaps personal fault had not been of issue, of the founding personnel behind such programs, in their deployment and in implementation in society. Perhaps they are simply upright and astute individuals, who need not have an overextended degree of need to contribute means and ends, in life, in other words, as far as supporting the decree of that why, and of “that, in and of itself,” programs of psychological abuse are implemented in society, with documentation and purposes being unclear to many, at this point in time (early 2022).

The generalized common prognosis of a schizotypal condition’s sufferer is an early death, as it’s widely been discerned, following psychological sciences inquiry and outcomes. To be certain, some traits of the schizotypal condition are empowering, to the subject, whereas some people, of a faulty volition and undue burden upon societal resources, attempt to subvert common decency, and standard human expectations, at this point, having come to believe that remote sensing telepathy is a currently viable and rational volition in life, eschewing common decency and standards of expectations of individuals in society, given that this sort of topic is of higher education than public schooling had afforded us, in the years leading up to the new millennium, whereas the impulse to express one’s self is both obscured, to a significant degree, in terms of a respectable standard of decency, whereas humility is much easier to disregard, and fanciful temptations of the visceral experience and of superficial and fleeting pleasures, in life, seems much easier at hand, while consequences, characteristic of our human nature, are much more easily conceived of, and less traumatic, in acceptance, on account of that, oftentimes, the remote sensing subject, and schizotypal borderline personality typology as facet and trait of the subject, seems implausible, and inconsequential, for the sake of disavowing the significance and importance of reading the individual as a visually-subject and consequential adherent, upon rational standards of expectations, at this point in time, given that this is a topic of higher learning. In other words, it’s simply easier to act and respond irresponsibly and foolishly,, given a lack of physical presence in the victimizer’s truthful and rational life experience. Many times, the schizotypal sort will appear, to a profiled and targeted victim, of a significantly non-present type of persona, demonstrating the volition and will to abuse somebody, whereas they disregard the capability of the victim to interpret such behavior as plausible, viable, and eventually, as representationally accurate of the individual abusing them, for the fact of that such profiles of victimization are conceivably present, for the sake of informing the public; for the public’s best interest.

Try it again! We’ll deal you a mean row. 

There were some things in life that I had not learned, well enough, of an anti-social behavioral sort that I had acted out. It was not until I was duly corrected, with physical (or otherwise) sort of violence and psychological that had strongly conditioned me against repeating such a behavior, scarce that it may have been - it was scarcity that was present, of an unfortunate nature. A very common expression of a positive-expression paranoid schizophrenic is that abusive behaviors of a delusional and significantly faulty nature exist - this is the furthest degree along the anti-social behavioral spectrum of the borderline personality disorder - that they attempt to portray admirability, in being dominant, yet faulty, in enacting such a sort of behavior that is dislikable, while in the presence of innocent others (casualties), simply for having been proximally nearby somebody, of a trivial degree of irrational consequence which is deemed improper for the general public.

I had placed myself in the presence of the general public, for the sake of a basic trust of people, upon a near experience of death, just a week prior to this current date of publication, early on, in the new year of 2022, whereas paranoid schizophrenia is a more deeply troubling condition. The paranoid schizophrenic’s presence in a person’s life signifies an irrational and burdensome claimant upon the victim, given that, to the most vast degree, it is implausible that a helpful mental health professional is the one being accessed; rather, that the victim had been selected based on superficial traits, social class, and opportunistic aspirations; the victimizer, hoping to make ephemeral and patchwork gains in life, for having come to believe that remote sensing encounters are viable means of coming to understand the sufferer’s needs in life, for being psychologically u,well, whereas the propriety of law, the justice and rehabilitation departments, and due process be observed,  having come to falsely believe that they ought not seek a rightful and due process unto themselves, for coming to believe that exacting justice is their own rightful consequence and volition to pursue in life, whereas more common and accepted authorities are somehow ignored, or disavowed, of their rightful place in our lives, having come to believe that they ought to, rather, enact justice, in and of themselves. 

Who is determined to have the propriety of the MKULTRA program at their claim and stake in life? In my opinion, and in my personal experience, it is the most benefitted subject, given the highest degree of personal responsibility, for having made improper gains in life; perhaps only as one of the archetypes of such mind-control programs, given that, on further remembrance, that there are at least a dozen or more archetypal mind-control subjects, given the literature. The point being, is that we had all had our place and purpose, in life, and had hereby expended the utility, desirability, and solubility, profitability, and prognosis of outcomes in life, to most rational and conceivable ends. We had reached the end of our ropes (or lives, in and of themselves), so to speak, and we had been chosen for corrections, based on that fruitless measures had become the characteristic and determinable hopeless outcomes of our lives, yet that we had pursued these measures to cruel and psychologically faulty and unwell extents in life, whereas we would come to be afforded a degree of grace, and redemption, for becoming remote sensing subjects of psychological battery and inquiry. 

With overt forms of abuse being disallowed, so to speak, in cases of conduct of the authorities, it is this sort of plausible deniability that ought be accepted by the remote-sensing “victim | perpetrator | subject” at issue, as their turn of fate, as it were, whereas it’s obviously not, by and large, I would assume, any such thing, whatsoever, our own creation and responsibility in life, to enact cruelties upon others - we have Christianity as our nation’s official religion, for example, and in that regard, certain things are largely expected of our common societal others, and peers, for example, whereas cruelty is seen as the significant and fundamental tragedy of Christ’s life and experience. Thus, enacting that we are given god-like behavioral opportunities, the impulse to invoke special privileges and exploit attractive opportunities, as it may seem, sometimes becomes compelling - being that, of my sort, I, for example, am commonly alone, yet a compelling profiled victim, for others, common also, that it may be, I find it faulty and fundamentally erroneous, for the sake of that I refuse to believe that complex and intricate modes of understanding, acquaintanceship, and learning could rightfully be expected to transpire for many others, suffering, themselves, from positive schizophrenia symptoms, and whereas I simply do not know the progeny is etymology of my victimizer’s purpose and persona, having only what had formerly, or concurrently, would be reasonable expectations of that I could come to see that these individuals had, for various reasons, chosen to access me, and subsequently, abuse me. My most pervasive experience is that most individuals would not opt to intrude in my life, particularly not of such a degree of abusive spree, and of mayhem. They simply are seen to be casually-failing individuals, quite obviously, I would say, subjects of interrogation, rather than enlightenment, for having chosen to pursue such a volition in life. Aside from that, we stand to experience a golden age in enlightenment, and enjoyment, much more directly, and decisively, if we adhere to standards of etiquette and of a Christian volition, in being acted out, and afforded to others, rather than if we were to (strangely) embody the abuser, in and of ourselves, for that cruelty affords a most primitivistic default to a fight or flight determinacy; whereas benefits are scarcely afforded to the dominant one; dominant, yet not quite equivalently so - the overall victorious one in life. Life is not so cheaply and commonly based upon acts of victory and dominance over others, in the most common experience, and cheaply-wrought experiences of cruelty come to define such victimizers and abusers. 

That all being said, I’d become a consciously-experiencing abuse victim, starting in September of 2012, there were 10 years of explanations that stood to be documented, that I had still been living out, over the course of such abuse, and it takes seven years to become somebody’s common law partner, in life, so I’m not quite done with such things, yet I do dedicate time to disseminating my experience, given that I reasonably identify with the most privileged, and most unaccountable achiever, of various means in life, of interest to others. To simply disavow that I had experienced a well-enough degree of abuses, during this time, or that I could be rightfully held responsible for some of my acts, had been the determinations and judgments, well enough, of the authorities, and it eschews due process to believe that they had not done enough, for valid equivalencies to be levied upon me, for the sake of others, particularly during times in which I simply had not been criminally competent, or of times in which I was experiencing undue abuses, in life.