A 12 Steps 9th Step Reflection - What am I supposed to do when people simply can’t be honest with themselves?

 Being a situational minority, [living in South Los Angeles] myself - “visually” (although only “somewhat;” I do sometimes get myself casually mistaken for being Hispanic), I get a lot of flack. 

It’s the kind of thing that would have potentially framed our collective and generalized minds, for having been part of the dragnet downward spiral that so many of us face, for having this faulty, anti-social, mistaken, misfortunate, misgiven, mistreated, maladapted, disregarded, or sometimes, we were simply just the one picked out to be bullied upon, for a long stretch of life. Many of us, in the smallest demographics, here - the 1-4%ers; the silent intelligent minds, the secretive genius, the condescending outperformer, or some sort of spiritual misfit, perhaps. 

As the fungus, for the sake of wood rot - in healing the stuff of nature that consumes us, as the tree of life, perhaps, that we, as intelligent humans are, we tend to a greater sustainability, for having made the sacrifice that signifies and represents our material loss in life - for nature to persist.

I was some sort of combination of these things, to varying degrees. My teachers might commonly have characterized me as an “A” grade mind, but a “B” grade achiever. It would be quite ostensible, as such. I was hit, as a child, and treated cruelly, at times, by my parent authority nurturing environment. Although I was young, I knew, intelligently well enough, that I was being mistreated, and that there was an unreasonable expectation of that I ought have not violated whatever boundary it was that I had pushed too far on, in acting out, or whatever the case might have been. That was back when I was around age 6, or so, when I started to come to understand that I was being held hostage, of sorts, and that life is a cruel endeavor, at times. My happiness and enjoyment was ephemeral, and sadness came as a much more common and ostensible expectation of myself

Now, at age 39, I do broadly superficial gestures towards a mindset of reserved superiority, should that card need to be pulled, in order to one-up myself, in a situation, whereas I’m narcissistic, at times, and I feel that simply accommodating others I come across, superficially and casual that it may be, I do have a somewhat limited basis and “license,” as it were - to engage with, and exchange acquaintanceship with, as far as how I might ever (or, actually) expect to get to know a great many more individuals in the localities in which I frequent. On some level, the diversity of Los Angeles, and surrounding areas, is a beautiful thing - we get a small taste of it, here and there, as children - some of us had interaction-based socialization profiles, some of us had cultural endowments, of our learning and travel experience, in our youthful developing years, and others - well, to be honest, I somewhat simply don’t quite know. There’s not much in terms of disclosure, when it came to so many people. It was bwammo; butt shittle, for sure, and bwopp dick? Plik plok. 

That’s essentially how I do some people. What else am I supposed to do? They seem to realize it, and they truly just go for it, in this slight game of alluding to a secretive shame of non-disclosure of what’s humble and slight about us; each unto ourselves, but as for myself, I feel as though I’m simply capable, in being an honest person, whereas I seem to attract a lot of pent up frustration and aggression towards me, as well as to my personal belongings, possessions, art work - even my right of way and freedom of volition, out in public. Ought I mix it up, a bit more, and get out of town, for that it’s slight localities that I frequent? I’m trying to do something with these pigeons and sparrows, though. I feel that that’s the crux of what separates and distinguishes me from these “others,” casually “majority” that they might be, for as ephemeral and unsustained that it might be, when it comes down to constancy, faith in, and loyalty to a purpose - it’s sometimes that it is quite obvious that people had been talking about me, in some group or networked small and trivial collective or establishment of people - on the other hand, I have the largest demographic of spiritually faithful compatriots that I might believe exists, for being a Christian man; perhaps here and there I entertain discovering various nuances of the faith, and demonizations, but these are simple numbers and statistics that we had all grown up with. 

Somewhere along the way, young people had decided that popular beliefs and establishments were disdainful, and averse to the common man’s wellbeing, whereas true wellness was largely characterized as a shameful “hurt” area; it hurt to have affections for others, to achieve, in the face of others who had not serendipitously found good fortune, well enough for everyone’s attention spans (how commonly does serendipity happen?). People who had achieved some good or gainful new establishment, as for their own take - were seen as the rightfully scapegoated ones. That’s how I feel, in any case. It happens to women, of a certain sort, all the time, and who likes to be incorrect, or improper? It’s a humbling thing, for many - discovering the consequence of “God’s” purpose and judgment in our lives, yet I hear confessionals all the time, and I have my own notions as to how and why these sorts of interrogative processes come to be characterized and fixed in to the mind of an unwell and unstable psychological archetype - ephemeral that it may be, it does happen quite commonly, for the great many amongst the few of us, that there are, in some instances. 

The truth is most commonly a great and celebrated thing; it’s a thing of joy, good humor, and elation - good people can’t imagine something so awful and horrid, such that it ought not have been done. At what point does the unrelenting bold one simply cease to persist in asserting dominance over differences between themselves, and a great many others? People have access to richly developed minds and intelligence forms of much of history and establishment that has been recorded in some form, whether it be visual, artistic, literary, or of the other ways and means in which we communicate and confer symbolism and meanings unto others. 

Miniaturizing the Mobile Pro Audio Setup: Offload the Hardware Signal Processing Chain to Accessory Devices. (iOS, iPadOS, Android).

 Pro audio buffs, of generations past, had gone through various golden ages of outboard gear in |post| production studios and on-site recording and performance settings.

With the advent of multi-core computer processing, which saw a boom in multimedia production studios in the popular consumer electronics setting in the early 2000's with Apple's PowerPC dual and quad-core processors in their G5 PowerMac line, made by IBM. I had one of their quad core G5 systems near the time that they were first released, and at that time, it was a significant workhorse. I was in school, at UC Riverside, for Music, as my bachelor's of arts degree, for course work, and I did some hip hop production and mixing on the side, with my tower as my significant main device; I had an AKG large diaphragm condenser microphone hooked up through a MOTU audio interface, and I ran many sessions, and composed many tracks, through that set up.

With the advent of multi-core processing, software companies began virtualizing the former generation's hardware platform offerings, by creating virtual instruments and software plugins that ported the analog or digital rack mount units, synthesizers, and outboard processing gear of former ages of audio production and post-production. Back then, the challenge was wiring everything efficiently and the significant costs involved in procuring pro audio gear. Studio owners and music producers were an iconic role model for many of us, who aspired to work in audio. Studio time commanded significant professional rates, and many of the older music professionals etched out a living for themselves out in the Hills, and the Valley, as old lore of their lifestyles was discovered, while I worked as a craigslist software installation specialist, from around 2006-2012.

Consequentially, with the advent of the consumer-level multimedia | pro audio workstations, many of us, as youths, bought in to the lifestyle, as startup CEOs of small means post-production, live recording, artist management, and marketing | publicity business operations during that time, and a significant push to establish software tools that emulated the hardware options of the big studios on prosumer devices, such as the MacBook Pro, Mac Pro, and iMac devices became the heralding legacy that was established during the late 2000's decade. 

Towards the end of that decade, and in to the 2010's, the economy went bust, and people began to rely upon available software options that had already been produced and manufactured, while eschewing purchasing new hardware, or they began to buy in to the new mobile smartphone device ecology, as the iPhone had picked up speed and reputation as the hot new thing to own. Back in the early 2000's, electronic music and hip hop were gaining ground as the significant cultural movement in young adult popular culture. Come 2012, people had become burnt out on life, and the surveillance state had taken it's authoritative role over many people's minds, as this was the fates time, in the psychiatric profession's DSM-IV | V, for the onset of schizophrenia in certain subtypes of people, having hit age 30. 

Many people were scrambling for answers about the Illuminati, while suspicious of the wealthy, whereas, I suppose, many other young professionals had made out in life with suitable live-work circumstances, while the former decades' "living it up" demographic faded in to a downward spiral set of circumstances. Hardware marketplaces for consumer laptop and desktop systems, such as craigslist, became a cut-throat grounds in competitiveness, whereas craigslist had been a solid and dependable niche market to fulfill, for some, such as myself. People expected to procure their device needs, whether it was software or hardware, at significantly competitive rates, and news stories of shocking violence and shady encounters marred the craigslist brand for many people. Keep in mind that I worked in Los Angeles, which had the legacies of the entertainment industry and Hollywood as the bread and butter economy, for many various sorts of young and established professionals, alike. 

Around that time (2012) I somewhat fell out of the whole online and local marketplace scene, as schizophrenia took hold of me, and I went through several years of couch-surfing, shacking up with some of my former good craigslist relations, and subsequently, as all options for commerce became slimmer and slimmer, I ended up losing my Audi A4, and I was incarcerated for Grand Theft Auto for keeping a rental car for too long. It was a gradual, but sure descent, in to detriments and misfortunes, as I knew of no other options which would sustain me through financial hardships. 

Here and there, after being released from jail and hospitals, several times over, I procured some new devices on store credit, as lease options, with phone and data plans. I wasn't much in to the hacking scene, as I had gotten much of that spirit and impetus out of me during my years at University, so I didn't get in to jailbreaking my devices, much, at all. It turned out to be a fortunate timing, for me, as I came to discover the App Store, with its many offerings of third party software apps, for my |temporary| enjoyment of my time with my iPhone 7 Plus and my iPad Pro (2017). Unfortunately, I became a victim of homelessness and a target of stalking, while homeless, and I lost my devices, due to casual mishaps and foolish slight decisions made while nearing exhaustion, for the sake of producing intelligence on the topic of coming to understand my mental health circumstances, and in resurging my interests in pro audio and multimedia app mastery, while I had battery charges on my devices. 

Come 2020, and I had still yet had become a victim of homelessness and stalker-targeting, as a newly device-imbued homeless person. Yet, the COVID-19 Pandemic had struck, and over time, during the summer, I had finally procured another stable home environment to live in, thanks to my social services and mental health care providers. The Employment Development Department's offerings of unemployment insurance, for those affected by the pandemic, became a topic of notice and of pursuit, for me, as I eventually entered my claimant status as unemployed, and I came to receive unemployment insurance, in the midsummer of 2020. It was a significant boon, for me, as I was capable of receiving back pay, from the beginning of the onset of the pandemic, in March, whereas Pandemic Unemployment Award benefits, of an additional $600 per week, were being offered to constituent beneficiaries of unemployment insurance. Many people shun the president, for perceived slights and blunders, but all in all, I see President Trump as a capable leader, quite obviously, who lead the nation, as best as could be capably done, through what has ended up being a significant debacle, of a global scale, while maintaining a significant presence in our daily lives and collective mind, in America, as a regularly "social" leader, on the Twitter platform (which I prefer, as well, as my standard public relations outlet). He was the one who lead us in to receiving these benefits, which, at this point in time (January 2021), have amounted to over $17,000 for me, which I'd detailed, richly, as far as spendings and procurements, over the months, here, on iPigeon.institute Blog, Facebook, and Twitter. 

All things being said and continuing forth, as far as unemployment benefits are concerned, it was a significant boon for me, given that I had limited expenses, as my food and rent were largely taken care of for me, while I was receiving unemployment benefits. It was a significant time of plenty and good fortune, which seems to be coming to a head, as I'm somewhat faced with a fork in the road, as far as that I'm currently seeking to become employed, as an exit strategy and best-practices risk aversion from being the last one being handled benefits, with no foreseeable alternatives, as unemployment insurance claim money and time span allotments of claim status may run out on us. 

That being said, I've come to richly re-discover the establishments and gains in tech, both in terms of software and hardware, given my new devices: a MacBook Air 2020, an iPad Pro 11 inch (2020), and a Google Pixel 4a 5G, as my smartphone device. Having discovered Amazon, as a consumer electronics purchaser for a Google Blogger Content Publisher on Google Marketing Platform, as my enterprise establishment basis for iPigeon.institute, and my various other alternate concept blogs that I'd come up with, since I started out on Blogger, $17,000+ had come a long way for me, as well as that I'd significantly paid in to California state payroll taxes, and polished out my business establishment formalities, in becoming "official." 

I'd come to consider that the miniaturization of our devices, within the realm of multimedia and third party app offerings, is somewhat akin to being a development echelon, of sorts, in that we had put up our big tech corporate iconic establishments on a pedestal, whereas miniaturization of devices comes at a cost - on one hand, a device antenna is somewhat implicated, in a smartphone, or a tablet, (even in a computer, many times), as a chipset, with a coupling cable that connects it to the main board, whereas it's powered by the electronics current supply of voltage necessary to power it. On one hand, it works, largely. On the other hand, it's a tiny device, with scarcely a common notion of an actual "antenna" about it. 

In researching and purchasing through my current pro audio (miniature, yet third party devices) set up, I'd |re-|discovered some things, leaning towards an appreciation of "bigger is better," which I'd happened upon, in the facet aspect of having purchased some bluetooth and wired lavalier microphones, of varying quality, whereas the larger and more costly device features ostensibly larger onboard components, given the comparison product of our earphones' small, rectangular volume and command inline microphone attachment, which most of us can relate to, as a much-miniaturized set of a few hardware devices and features, of our signal chains, in audio and communications. Not that we're upset with the quality of things; it's just that pro audio aspirations seek higher and better status, in quality of the audio representative form. 

Take Apple's eGPU product offerings, on the Apple official online store, for example (since we're still largely locked out of freely browsing Apple retail stores, at leisure). In these products, Apple offers a comparatively large plug-in hardware device, which offloads the main device's graphics computational processes to a larger scale and form external device. On one hand, the GPU components of our laptop computers skirt upon comparable specifications, yet not so, just quite, in the lower-end devices. In pro multimedia gear, such as in high end microphones, the echelons of greater performance become a bell curve, of product capabilities in finery, at the higher end of cost, come a certain point in the cost of devices. That is, once a device peaks past the couple or several-hundred dollar range, the performance gains are slighter, yet these things are unattainable at the lower and mid-grade of consumer electronics. Nowadays, with competitive third party manufacturing in producing outboard gear for our mobile devices, it's a global competition, and price points are pushed ever lower, for establishing consumer empathy and affections for the product offerings being more towards the mid-upper $50-$100 range, some things could peak over $100, for specialty purposes, while keeping most people happy, whereas people place value in their devices in a distributed manner, for having many hardware outboard options, in that people like the visual complexity of having achieved some notion of mastery over their toolset, for that there are many tools implemented, at hand. Just as the pro audio studios of former years would have an impressive deck, and outboard gear, on racks, networked servers, storage, monitors, speakers, etc.  

With the onset and coming of the age of IoT devices, in popularity, development Systems on Chips (and Modules) [SoCs, SoMs] becoming more diversely available, given industry specifications and specializations, and hardware telephony, broadcast, and receipt becoming more within reach, and within tolerance of the consumer, given latency and bandwidth | throughput considerations in WiFi and Bluetooth | broadband signals, such as 5G, as well as that 3D printers are signaling a Golden Age for design, in manufacturing, there is a significant push for consumer devices to depend upon outboard gear, with consumer affections for expanding upon personal and professional interests becoming commonplace, and novel, for that many compelling and attractive developments and devices come from third party manufacturers. Economic circumstances call for bootstrap startup ecology in becoming the defining purpose of many people's professional aspirations, amidst a time of job offering uncertainty and lackluster performance, and professional options being scarce, for the common person. Even gig jobs are difficult to procure, whereas craigslist had once been (yet, on one hand, still is, a standard stalwart of local gig job and one-off economy); Reverb, though, as I'd discovered, is a new craigslist (music gear and tech section), of sorts, for musicians and music retailers, for example. It'll be interesting to discover what outlets and offerings become popular in the multimedia outboard and web | app offerings in the various areas of specialization in e-commerce and in the manufacture of devices in the IoT establishment, in coming months and years.

A Google Coral Dev Board, puttied on to the wall, and somewhat as an aesthetic and passive piece, since I'm not able to figure out the programming on it, just yet 

My miniature vacuum tube headphone amplifier, as my centerpiece to a miniaturized pro audio mobile live audio setup. It works wonders for the sounds, and for the music. 

A chaotic array of wires, and some devices of "Things." Wires are messy, yet they're the surest way to make something work, at the moment. I always make sure to keep milk on hand, to keep healthy. 

A peek at some of my creative, development and research process products, ingredients (packaging and inspiration), and my hardware investments. My workspace, of one side of the room.

Who pays the toll of the confounding [f]actor's role in a role-weary incompetent or insane subject?

Somewhat - 

Alright, « okay » like, I really needed that (most times), or, like, people really [don't] bother to conceal their formants, and self-such character-isms of speech and poise, but I don't really get the lack of sociable attainment, the thing about "just getting it done," 

Rather,

There's this vast contingency of avoidant (I'd forgotten about that one [of abnormal psychology]; the avoidant, the passive-aggressive, the decades gone on, in lacking sobriety and 12 Steps fundamentals, as life. People really do live their lives off of the 12 Steps, when they're in the supportive arms of truly good-meaning sober individuals - I've always self-managed my drug abstinence, because I have a hard time speaking with strangers, and some aspects along those lines. 

For that matter, it feels like you guys are abusing the child of my life-in-suspension - I used to pull Tarot cards for this type of thing. But that was years ago.

Then, I became a person who simply never does the thing that is so characteristically immature, and short-sighted. I did the most menial of digital life-styling reputational upkeep, in cases where I had done others wrong (undoubtedly while in the midst of a manic spree on life; by all means, un-sober): I went back and apologized to the person - digitally, at that, since it was my digital Life up for self-criticism, and for matters of integrity of my self.

The point being, is that, all-in-all, I did do those things, and I could move forth in life flinching with the sour memory of those things lingering - nonewhatsoever. 

Okay, there is this guy, and one other guy, I owe them each about $40-$45. Eek. That's literal money I owe, to leverage my business ethics statistical "perfect," otherwise.

But some of you guys (and ladies) - sheez, ... I guess maybe you guys (and ladies) perhaps never made it out past suburbia; whereas [I seem to have recognized destitute and laboring] {some guys} I've seemed to recognize, out in the open wild, while I'd been "trekking," and how natural the interactions were - just in passing; just maybe, it was "them."

Those kinds of guys don't have this passive-avoidant histrionic persona that pops in to my mind, and acquisitions some arbitration or leverage about my wherewithal and my going-for-show-pigeons better pedigreed self.

On one hand, there's the notion of replicable personae-identities, yet who would be comfortable knowing that I simply « believe » these horrible things about people? Some people.

Some people who don't really do Facebook « well, or properly ». And then, there's this whole thing about speaking in to the phone's speaker {thing} and the expectation that the audio clip-bytes reach me?

 On one hand, I can concede that this is about as "crazy" as I'd come off, given my willingness to « once again » relate the long-windedness and intricacies of a schizotypal personality disorder, such that I have; whereas most people claim that they don't hear voices, whatsoever. 

That's it, though. That's the limit of how « actually » crazy I look; it costs me a blog of relevant content, somewhat, to digress, again, in to abnormal psychology, once again, yet here it be, plain and simple - I'm 38 years old now, so's most people involved, or better (or lesser of consequence, for being third-person removed) - most perhaps-so. The opposing face-to-face second person disposition is truly a rare one, but I do sometimes speak at long-winded lengths about formative aspects of all expected contextual realities and foundational underpinnings, which lead to critical analysis of the "other" person, at hand, but that's not to say that many people who encounter me don't actually mean me harm, given a turn-of-my-back to them. They do, and I realize these things, even as they trouble me.

------------

Then, I inevitably get some web-crawler "bot" hits, after publishing the post to social media, and oftentimes, a colloquy ensues. But I'm moreso that I'd just rather be done, and done with the issue. I could do coffee, at a coffee shop, and forget about it, over a sweet one.

My blog stats - minutes after posting the blog and sharing it to social media.

It could even be a home-spun drink, in a recyclable bottle - but these types of sociable accommodations just fail to get done.

What im im see, here, though, is an imminent troll-of-all-web internet activity, for lack of a better term, in the all-hours readiness to check out my latest blog, type of thing - which could only be « somewhat » okay. The thing of the internet of all hours "thing" is a tired subject - I'm commonly neurotically fraught with the consequences of having done a night of the internet of all hours "thing," and the cost of repairing that deed, with ionic minerals, with medications, with attending personnel and professionals about my mental health patient status, not to mention my social worker - these are all tolls of being improprietuous of what ends up being "for my sake," in which case I have to answer for my [obvious] shortcomings.

The desire to shield one's identity behind remote sensing technology is a dark, loaded vehicle, carrying the impetus of the person's wherewithal that could have been - for having jaunted a fresh, new, identity through stimulant abuse that many find so compelling; yet many also fail to remit a sustainable [or any some-such] contribution to society, whether it be digital or real-life. For that matter, I find that my schuzotypal self commonly lends it's nature to a more familiar term, in that I perceive it as an augmented reality - one where a person's reputation could « precede » their physical presence. Sometimes the voice {conscience} hanging over the shoulder of the guilty is a partner-in-arms, with the self of such person. 

On: the thrust that would power a colony moving to outer space. From Twitter.com/jay_ammon

Substituently:upon coming across Volatility in any commerce of situation, a crouch, wings-to-the-hind-being backwards thrust, to flying muscles-development aesthetic Grecian urn lifter athleticism is a multivariate grounding and considerate act to invoke. I came upon this notion while trying to archive for usage:attenuation of convolution reverb impulse responses (IRs; audio engineering) on an early morning and I witnessed, of continuous South LA Jet Stream aeroplane engine vast chaos of granular noise; the thrust that was slow-moving, compared to a jet-engine, but this thrust was a thrust that didn't have an arc to it, and it would likely power the jaunt-enterprise-extra-terrestrial into outer space, with how thrust it was moving. That would be a lot of Grecian urn lifts. The scalar-offset-dynamic thrusts of the torso and limbs is a particularly challenging and virtuous movement exercise; essentially forming the body's inertial momentum into what might aught be instability or par-stituęvaitre energetic arrête for the surrounding environment. It's very obvious when the movement fails to balance itself and fit, physiognomically within a 1:1 or similar ratio of just and slight variance; what kind of battery would the thrust exercise movement power of the individual? Then I heard, allegorically ad hoc, that all massive industrial enterprise apparatus are run entirely upon human power, in order to be properly sustainable energy and valid worth in a competitive world power economy. I was so intent on blogtastic'ing about [something...] I can't entirely relate, after the days-spent awake in crisis amongst people around me, based on auf of such fluff sociopathic small-enterprise sociopath per-donnez-vraít, just seething "how white/Chinese/faggot he is; Jay." That was the gist of the long story blog entry; it hasn't gone up yet, in favor of more valid Pigeon-TasTasTic content arrete into molecular dynamics of storage devices, alphanumerical I/O fluffboy Au Ff new boy triste pwn psycho-autonomy practices, for serious professional takes as the stenographer's dicta tech psy-tripedenienne aux les valid passable dendrites of non-constituency demographic of unh-uhh... the stenographer...? Someone's on it wtf panshitsicles triste tri-state murderer au psychopathic acute axis 1 crisis demography, etc. Somebody is delimiting the ratio:to:faggot AF triste dendritis-tristecles gallon of milk/per day dieting, no romantic consideration about shitsicles AF trifle-poof-AF shit out the ass, and the ionic gaseous internals to deal with proximity jaunt - for athleisure bums Lifestyle And then, ... gallon of milk / per day and then walking through skid row? That's some valid proximity fluffboy tastastic new shit of a materials/trash/recyclables jaunt tech-and-lifestyle blogtastic array of considerable molecular and all sorts of arretic substituent organisme although most people are okay with a fashionable bum athleisure technical institute jaunt, for all-purpose fuckboytastastic class class class class classic AF jaunt, ... like a real one. The significant takeaway on the topic is that thrill-seekers are constantly fraught with a debt of resource misallocation and thievery of the Nuclear molecular energy {STEM} materials of raw periphery significant means of fletching the innards and worth of the localities:we exist. The vast bold Yukon divergent sociopath is simply a typically "can't help this person well and properly enough" to make the individual fit into society and communicate the forensic dendritic fluff past Freudian imperative cautionary stance, beyond the stats-rated fluff personae of the fluffboy-tastastic Los Angeles classically national historical heritage establishment au triste compatriot ... So much fluff AF considerable college years to discourse validity about, this is civilian life, to be real. But in compete:for nutritional intake, I do fluff off vast yukons of data science periphery and valid nepotism of executive's fluff of so many coteries of fluffboy-tastastic meaty burgers - of course I could do a jack in the box receipt survey jaunt on top of a jumbo jack jaunt: for a bum laid out on the streets, Pigeon-TasTasTic fluff demographic, for burgers? It's a fashionable bum-charity-lifestyle destination that exceeds distributing edible validated garbage au garbage: retail bisték-grilled meat: for a bum. That's how Freudian it gets. {Me}